There is a demon that lives inside of me. It looks like me, talks like me and completely masquerades around town as me. Just like KAR! Kit's evil twin in Knightrider. This demon is all up in my shit, like some serious Tyler Durden mayhem. Drama that I could normally handle if it weren't for one detail : it knows me well enough to scare me.
I haven't written anything all summer long. No beauty blogs, no doggie blogs, no blog blogs. NADA. And its all because my evil demon can talk me out of pretty much everything. Out of things and down on myself.
" Why bother writing? It's just a stupid blog. Not even a valid outlet. And WHY are you outletting yourself all over the place anyway? Do you REALLY think that people want to read that droopy shit???!! And there's probably only one person reading it anyway. You're not a writer. You've never been anywhere, seen anything, met anyone important. You didn't go to college. You're unemployed and enjoying it. Trust me sister. No one really cares. No one will miss it cause no one's reading it. "
I even catch myself making excuses for it. "Oh well there's so much going on and I don't want that coming through my writing. Then its just a big'ol sad blog and nobody wants to read that sooo....yeah. " I suppose maybe that's partially true. There was a lot going on this summer and I did feel hesitant about putting it out there. But I also know that just like most things in my life, just when it was starting to get good, I bailed. Just like painting and art school, finishing junior college, makeup school, dreams of becoming a celebrity manicurist. I've become so afraid to fail that I'm actually terrified to succeed at anything. And I always bow out...right before the last act.
A couple weeks ago my best friend and I were texting each other, like we normally do every day :o) We were discussing my nemesis again and I said, " I'm jealous because in 32 years of existence I've succeeded at nothing, accomplished nothing of significance and am pretty much penniless." She replied, "Stop that shit dude. Let's not have a pity party now. You have so much and you are so talented but you'd rather not see it." I inserted a jaded looking emoticon from my emoji app and rebutted, "Psssh! Talented at UNDERachieving. lol" And then came the reply heard round the world. The absolute cold, hard truth that only someone who's loved and accepted me for twenty years--knows to say. "You are afraid to try cause you don't want to fail." And I was in tears--immediately. GINORMOUS, crawling-into-the-couch womb tears. Because she's absolutely right---100%.
So hopefully this is me trying. Hopefully this is me locking the evil twin in the broom closet with duck tape over her mouth. Trying to keep her in the dark. Silencing the editor by sewing her lips shut and writing her into a corner. And I might have to reinvent myself everyday to make this possible. But deep down I believe its worth it. How does the song go? "I'm only one voice in a million, but you ain't taken that from me."
