Maybe I should use "the Secret" ?

Dear Ralphs or Kroger---or who ever you are, 

I have entered the $100 gift card drawing every single time I've received the option on a receipt. We have not won yet. Please select us, it could really come in handy. 

Thanks,

Candypants

mi casa es su casa???

Thursday night we had dinner at Brent's Deli with Kevin's best friend. Over omelette's and triple-decker club sandwiches, Kevin began to tell the story of our burst pipe and flooded living room carpet. We both complained about our plumbing, lamented over being exiled to one room in the house and rolled our eyes simultaneously. Cutting into his french toast, Kirk began to shake his head and replied, "That's why you guys gotta get outta that place man....it's a shit hole. It really is a shit hole." And then he continued on his merry way to syrup and butter and thick cut bacon. 

Kevin and I quickly gave each other a strange glance and I changed the subject. Later, on the way home, we discussed what happened. I was surprised that Kirk's comment bugged Kevin. They've been friends for over twenty years and quite frankly, usually, Kirk can do no wrong in every one's eyes. Its a strange phenomena that I've witnessed, attempted to crusade against and pitifully given up on. But this time it was different for Kev. Maybe it was all the pipe bursting bullshit we'd been through all week? Or him having just returned home from Vegas? But it struck a cord with him and he was genuinely offended. As was I...to say the least. But I did quickly shrug it off and tell myself, that Kirk was just being Kirk and whatevs...I love my home.

Which brings me to my question of the day, where the fuck do people get off? I think this is a serious epidemic within the human race---as of late. It go's beyond manners becoming a lost art, they're extinct. And what surprises me the most, is when it comes from someone that is very close to you. Where's the cutoff point which stops a person from insulting their best friends, family members, etc.? And why don't people observe it more often? Furthermore, why do we let people get away with it? Why don't we call them out and say, " hey you douche, that hurts my fucking feelings." I mean if the asshole in point, doesn't care to reserve his feelings towards you----then WHY do you bother safeguarding his?

And we're all guilty of it. Do I just have better manners? Am I a kinder person than they? Or am I chicken? lol. I haven't decided. But I do know that when something like this transpires, I usually think to myself, " welllll, what they said REALLY pisses me off but if I call them out---it could really embarrass them in front of everyone---and I would hate if someone did that to me if I fucked up. Soooo I'll just not-say-anything now and talk shit about them later...and hold a pity resentment....for like...ever." Giggle. I'm sure that's not a very healthy approach but it gets me through difficult situations with difficult people.

Don't get me wrong, its not hard AT ALL, to summon the ghetto within. I can bring it. Its just that usually I tend to look at the situation as a whole, instead of being immediately reactionary. Say for instance, dinner might not have ended so well or been very comfortable if I'd said what I really wanted to say, like : I'm sure our place seems like a shit hole to an asshole like you who's FORTY and still lives with Mommie in her fucking condo in Westlake Village---in an all-white, rich bedroom community. What with your fucking Prius and Mexican maids running around cleaning up after you----our situation must look pretty dire.  [enter long sigh here] See what I mean? And its not that I think poorly of Kirk for any of those things---ever. But if you fucking insult me, I might use them to insult you back. Again, sandbox etiquette---poor taste, poor manners, uncivilized.

Maybe the truth is that we all have opinions and ideas of each other. Some we should divulge, when asked or when its definitely necessary : like when you have a booger the size of Texas in your nose. You can and should politely warn your friend, " you've got a bat in the cave." But when its something entirely different, say something REALLY negative, say an insult to their current life state----unless the person is a compulsive hoarder and you're finding dead cats buried under shit in their living room---you should probably keep-it-to-yourself. Have your judgments, continue with your "unique" perspective---but in the privacy of your own head. It might be withholding, dishonest? Or just not entirely truthful. Or maybe its just nicer to shut the fuck up.

I'm having a little trouble getting my Christmas mojo on. Normally the hanging of lights is the start to the season and takes place on Thanksgiving evening. But this year... I was tired for some reason. "I'll get to it." I kept saying. And then this past Sunday, I came home to discover our living room floor was soaked in water. We discovered the next day that a pipe connected to our water heater had burst, was shooting water into the walls behind our t.v., and flooding the entire carpet. Ew, to say the least. As we moved our entire living room into the dining room, I realized that it was probably a good thing that I didn't get to the holiday decorating. For I would have had to move the tree somewhere...in the kitchen? As it is, we've been exiled to the bedroom during this entire week. That means no DVR, no xbox for the boy, no command station by the window....no common area at all. I think even the dog is bored of being in the bedroom. She probably feels like Anne Frank. 

The pipe has been replaced, the wall patched up/painted and the carpet guy comes tomorrow. Hopefully by Sunday, we'll be fully operational again. And we can get this holiday back on track!

My Evil Twin

There is a demon that lives inside of me. It looks like me, talks like me and completely masquerades around town as me. Just like KAR! Kit's evil twin in Knightrider. This demon is all up in my shit, like some serious Tyler Durden mayhem. Drama that I could normally handle if it weren't for one detail : it knows me well enough to scare me.

I haven't written anything all summer long. No beauty blogs, no doggie blogs, no blog blogs. NADA. And its all because my evil demon can talk me out of pretty much everything. Out of things and down on myself.

" Why bother writing? It's just a stupid blog. Not even a valid outlet. And WHY are you outletting yourself all over the place anyway? Do you REALLY think that people want to read that droopy shit???!! And there's probably only one person reading it anyway. You're not a writer. You've never been anywhere, seen anything, met anyone important. You didn't go to college. You're unemployed and enjoying it. Trust me sister. No one really cares. No one will miss it cause no one's reading it. "

I even catch myself making excuses for it. "Oh well there's so much going on and I don't want that coming through my writing. Then its just a big'ol sad blog and nobody wants to read that sooo....yeah. " I suppose maybe that's partially true. There was a lot going on this summer and I did feel hesitant about putting it out there. But I also know that just like most things in my life, just when it was starting to get good, I bailed. Just like painting and art school, finishing junior college, makeup school, dreams of becoming a celebrity manicurist. I've become so afraid to fail that I'm actually terrified to succeed at anything. And I always bow out...right before the last act.

A couple weeks ago my best friend and I were texting each other, like we normally do every day :o) We were discussing my nemesis again and I said, " I'm jealous because in 32 years of existence I've succeeded at nothing, accomplished nothing of significance and am pretty much penniless." She replied, "Stop that shit dude. Let's not have a pity party now. You have so much and you are so talented but you'd rather not see it." I inserted a jaded looking emoticon from my emoji app and rebutted, "Psssh! Talented at UNDERachieving. lol" And then came the reply heard round the world. The absolute cold, hard truth that only someone who's loved and accepted me for twenty years--knows to say. "You are afraid to try cause you don't want to fail." And I was in tears--immediately. GINORMOUS, crawling-into-the-couch womb tears. Because she's absolutely right---100%.

So hopefully this is me trying. Hopefully this is me locking the evil twin in the broom closet with duck tape over her mouth. Trying to keep her in the dark. Silencing the editor by sewing her lips shut and writing her into a corner. And I might have to reinvent myself everyday to make this possible. But deep down I believe its worth it. How does the song go? "I'm only one voice in a million, but you ain't taken that from me."

the truth

from Ex Libris Journals

I used to think the idea that women have a special relationship with chocolate----in that it can solve problems, harness PMS, and momentarily correct all that is wrong with the world------was bullshit. Then I turned 30. 

jealous is as jealous does

Two years into my 30's, I've noticed that I'm slowly becoming comfortable with who I am. Not in an adolescent-identity-crisis way but in more of a coming full-ish circle sort of way. Like it doesn't bother me anymore that Kevin and I aren't married yet, after eight years. Now, looking and listening to newlywed couples, I actually feel relieved that we've already been through the preliminary. We're strong and confident enough to weather most storms. And that's comforting. I feel proud even. Or silly things, like coleslaw and pulp.  I've basically accepted that I actually like coleslaw and orange juice with pulp. However much of an old fogey that makes me. I'm ok with it. I'm ok with the fact that I can be a naggy ninny who likes clothes put in the hamper instead of the bedroom floor, space between furniture and framed photographs, gardening and lawn chairs. With as much as I've detested the arrival of birthdays in recent years, I'm actually enjoying getting older and feeling like an adult with grown-up tastes and desires. 

But there is one part of me that I can't seem to assuage : jealous judy. I still cannot help but feel jealous of my own friends and acquaintances when news of their impending success surfaces. I immediately stack myself up against each one, listing all my missing ingredients. "Well if I were THINNER or more OUTGOING, a lot less LAZY, had more AMBITION, didn't concentrate on FEAR, maybe actually had some STYLE and knew how to dress for success or had more MONEY to fund my dreams and COMPLAINED less and took ACTION MORE and blah blah blah blah." Insert flailing onto to bed in defeat here. "And succumbed to DEFEAT less often." siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. 

 I even have a secret nemesis. Someone who, unbeknownst to her, drives me bat shit crazy with every single achievement on her roster. And I can't stop checking in, looking at what she's doing etc. etc. Its like a car crash---I have to look. Torture is what it is, unnecessary self-torture.Thank god for partners, best friends and unconditional love. For they are the only two on the planet who know the identity of my dirty little secret....and still love me anyway.

 Jobs, money, happiness and accomplishment---all things I want for my friends but find hard to swallow. I know its me. I know its me that I have the actual problem with, and my jealousy is just a catalytic mirror that spins me into drama central. Or its my reflection.

October

Small things. Right now, this morning, all I can think about is small things. Like a cup of Pumpkin Spice Coffee from the Keurig machine. Its quick, equally stunning and doesn't require much effort on my part. A cinnamon roll from Trader Joe's with just a very light drizzle of frosting. So light its noticeable and makes me feel not-that-bad about eating it. The morning chill still perched on my shoulder from taking Fi out just minutes ago. Neighbors walking by, a horn stammering in the distance and jazz.

For these and all small gifts, I am profoundly grateful.